Anyone who has seen this so-called cartoon knows that Paw Patrol is purest of evil. So very.

It has control over the minds of our children. It sometimes has control over mine. The other day, someone asked me, “Who is on a roll?” I almost said Paw Patrol. Is everywhere. Always.

For me, I’ve nearly gone broke buying all the Paw Patrol toys and figurines and bed sheets. I don’t really want to get into it but my son wears Skye panties. PANTIES! Over his boy genitals!

In this travesty of #fakenewsmedia television, adults are disrespected and depicted as highly unfunctional mental children. There are no consequences to sinful actions, especially the ‘girls’. Ryder’s voice keeps changing. Dogs talk. I would go on but it is hard to type when my hands are clenched into fists.

I have read the Good Book countless times and have read all of it nearly twice. Here are five things that prove Paw Patrol is the work of Satan:

#1 Ryder is Beelzebub…demon king of Satan’s Army!

He stands as a false god. Where does he get his money? Where are his parents? Did he just grow his ATV out the sinful dirt? I tell you what… I think he did. Does he just hear the dogs talk? What is it with dogs? Hellhounds….all of them! I know what dogs sound like, and their barks only sound like words maybe half the time. Idolaters and heathens all of them! And, he stays 10 and does not age. Devil child. (Also Rubble is akin to Asmodeus. He is ensconced with a burning desire to tempt men into wantonness. He is opposed by St. John the Baptist. He is slothenly and constantly overeats. Where is his self-control? In hell with his damned soul!)

#2 The theme song is way too loud.

It started with Jerry Lee Lewis and here we are. It is in our homes and in our kids’ ear holes. I had to ask my son to turn it DOWN because it was too rowdy. I was trying to make a cake and I nearly broke my mixing bowl because I was beating the mix so hard! Get out of my blood Satan’s riffs!

#3 The entire Paw Patrol universe defies natural law.

Talking dogs. Aliens. Merpups. Unrideable dinosaurs. Monsters. Chickens wearing jewellery. People living where there is snow and enjoying it. Nice pirates. Nobody poops. Bugs having fun. Animals dreaming. Is Zuma a boy or a girl? I just wore out my rosary!

#4 All the adults are substance abusers.

The levels of befuddlement and incompetence showed by the elders in this program can only be summed up in one phrase: they are on somethings.

They are doing the weed or over-imbibing in alcohol, or they are just plain old taking pills way over the recommended dosage. They are obviously higher than God’s hemline.

The political representatives are idiots. One talks to a chicken, the other wears an out of style had and controls an army of cats (of which I’m sure he abuses) in the town of ‘Foggy Bottom’? Just what the heckfi is that alluding to? The area where your body makes fog? Your bum? More like the mayor of anus wind. Have fun flying high on the amyl nitrites there sinner sinner chicken dinner!

#5 It is UnAmerican.

After what the Canadians did to the White House I can never forgive them. The war of 1812 isn’t over. Not only ware we going to MAGA, we are going to MACA! MACArena right into their capital of Toronto and not speak any French! More like doughNOT speak any French! And their Pry Minister Dustin Truedoe may think again about forcing NAFTA on us. Softwood lumber? Take a selfie of our hardwoods Truedon’t!

(Bonus) #6 Danny X is a dareDEVIL.

He should have died. Countless times. God want’s him dead. That is why God made his brain so stupid. The Paw Patrol is doing the devil’s work keeping him alive. Get that kid out of the GENE POOL!