Winner of – Best Family Blog – from VUE Weekly 2017

Paw Patrol is Satanic



Beezlebub as Ryder


Anyone who has seen this so-called cartoon knows that Paw Patrol is purest of evil. So very.

It has control over the minds of our children. It sometimes has control over mine. The other day, someone asked me, “Who is on a roll?” I almost said Paw Patrol. Is everywhere. Always.

For me, I’ve nearly gone broke buying all the Paw Patrol toys and figurines and bed sheets. I don’t really want to get into it but my son wears Skye panties. PANTIES! Over his boy genitals!

In this travesty of #fakenewsmedia television, adults are disrespected and depicted as highly unfunctional mental children. There are no consequences to sinful actions, especially the ‘girls’. Ryder’s voice keeps changing. Dogs talk. I would go on but it is hard to type when my hands are clenched into fists.

I have read the Good Book countless times and have read all of it nearly twice. Here are five things that prove Paw Patrol is the work of Satan:

#1 Ryder is Beelzebub…demon king of Satan’s Army!

He stands as a false god. Where does he get his money? Where are his parents? Did he just grow his ATV out the sinful dirt? I tell you what… I think he did. Does he just hear the dogs talk? What is it with dogs? Hellhounds….all of them! I know what dogs sound like, and their barks only sound like words maybe half the time. Idolaters and heathens all of them! And, he stays 10 and does not age. Devil child. (Also Rubble is akin to Asmodeus. He is ensconced with a burning desire to tempt men into wantonness. He is opposed by St. John the Baptist. He is slothenly and constantly overeats. Where is his self-control? In hell with his damned soul!)

#2 The theme song is way too loud.

It started with Jerry Lee Lewis and here we are. It is in our homes and in our kids’ ear holes. I had to ask my son to turn it DOWN because it was too rowdy. I was trying to make a cake and I nearly broke my mixing bowl because I was beating the mix so hard! Get out of my blood Satan’s riffs!

#3 The entire Paw Patrol universe defies natural law.

Talking dogs. Aliens. Merpups. Unrideable dinosaurs. Monsters. Chickens wearing jewellery. People living where there is snow and enjoying it. Nice pirates. Nobody poops. Bugs having fun. Animals dreaming. Is Zuma a boy or a girl? I just wore out my rosary!

#4 All the adults are substance abusers.

The levels of befuddlement and incompetence showed by the elders in this program can only be summed up in one phrase: they are on somethings.

They are doing the weed or over-imbibing in alcohol, or they are just plain old taking pills way over the recommended dosage. They are obviously higher than God’s hemline.

The political representatives are idiots. One talks to a chicken, the other wears an out of style had and controls an army of cats (of which I’m sure he abuses) in the town of ‘Foggy Bottom’? Just what the heckfi is that alluding to? The area where your body makes fog? Your bum? More like the mayor of anus wind. Have fun flying high on the amyl nitrites there sinner sinner chicken dinner!

#5 It is UnAmerican.

After what the Canadians did to the White House I can never forgive them. The war of 1812 isn’t over. Not only ware we going to MAGA, we are going to MACA! MACArena right into their capital of Toronto and not speak any French! More like doughNOT speak any French! And their Pry Minister Dustin Truedoe may think again about forcing NAFTA on us. Softwood lumber? Take a selfie of our hardwoods Truedon’t!

(Bonus) #6 Danny X is a dareDEVIL.

He should have died. Countless times. God want’s him dead. That is why God made his brain so stupid. The Paw Patrol is doing the devil’s work keeping him alive. Get that kid out of the GENE POOL!


Tagged as: , , , , , , , ,

1 Response »

  1. I hope your whole blog is some sarcastic joke.

Leave a Reply


RSS The UnDad Podcast

  • Never use it as an excuse
    Mr. Owen Brierley is a delight to talk to. Join us as we chat about what it is like growing up being legally deaf, what a lawnmower parent is, and how everyone should have their own personal version of 'It's All Gone Pete Tong'. This episode is powered by ATB and sponsored by the Alberta […]
  • I have a ghost in my head and I call it Garglemax
    I got an implant that connects to a wizard class synthetic user interface. It's like 'Alexa' that only I can hear. It's for science. Everything is fine.
  • Who would win in a fight, Mr. Rogers or Jesus?
    Scott C. Bourgeois and I talk about our respective adoptions, what part of your body you should eat first if you were trapped on an island, all the effing podcasts he is involved with, and the best of kid lit.
  • Jana O'Connor PT 2
    The second of two parts of our Jana O'Connor interview (please listen to the first one if you already haven't). To get to the point: Jana is a jewel in the crown of the Canadian arts scene. She is triple H (not the goddamn wrestler): humble, humorous, and ensconced with humanity. We talk about working […]
  • Jana O'Connor PT 1
    As the Etruscans put it, this one was a doozy. Join me and Jana O'Connor as we cover everything from antiquated idioms to how to butt in line at the dentist (and everything in between). We talked so long that I had to cut it in two. I had to cut it in two because […]
  • I think the Jedi have it all wrong
    There is some rampant nerdery as Darren Pleavin and I talk horror movies, horror feelings, invisible motorcycles, family horror, and some scary stuff that left us holding each other, cerebrally. This episode is powered by ATB and sponsored by the Alberta Podcast Network. Thank you to Andrew Paul and the Edmonton Community Foundation for the […]
  • His Dumbledore is Shit
    Garglemax handles the heavy lifting while I talk shop with Dave Breakenridge, the Managing Editor of the Edmonton Journal, Edmonton Sun, and Edmonton Examiner. Topics covered: Helicopter parents, swearing, ADHD, Harry Potter readings in character, the 10/3 Podcast, columnists as journalists, and where not to get a tattoo.
  • I'm still doing comedy
    Ken Valgardson answers the phone for a content over audio quality interview. We chat comedy, teaching, parenting, and child bowels. It truly is a magical time to be alive. Powered by ATB and the Alberta Podcast Network with help from the Edmonton Community Foundation.
  • We're heroes
    A rousing conversation with Elena Porter where we talk about being an actor and parent, the great Arlington Apartment fire of 2005, murder, and buying a horse. Powered by ATB and sponsored by the Alberta Podcast Network.
  • Porch Fire
    Laughter, a short Western novella, and Elizabeth does her best to tell the future while translating 'baby'.

Follow The Undad via Email

Enter your email address to follow The Undad and receive notifications of new posts by email.

Join 39 other subscribers

%d bloggers like this: