Winner of – Best Family Blog – from VUE Weekly 2017

“Coming ‘Round the Mountain” is a filthy song

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“Coming ’round the mountain” is a song that has strong childhood implications for me. It brings forth memories of innocence and wonder. I’ve sang it with my child and many other children who are not mine (that I know of) in moments of celebration and merriment.

Only until recently, after a heartfelt conversation I had with my chaste wife, have I realized that this song holds a deeper meaning. A meaning that other parents should definitely take heed of. I don’t mean to cause alarm, but holy fart stars is this song filthy.

(In response to THIS, THIS and THIS).

Preface

The song is a euphemistic dynamo of sexual subversiveness and depravity. Rumour has it that the song supposedly references the second coming of Jesus, but after a little digging and some journalistic gumption, I’ve realized that it’s not about God’s kid at all.  It’s about a woman and her odyssey of ‘doing it’ for personal hedonistic gratification.

The lyrics

1: She’ll be coming ’round the mountain when she comes

She’ll be coming ’round the mountain when she comes

She’ll be coming ’round the mountain, she’ll be coming ’round the mountain

She’ll be coming ’round the mountain when she comes.

2: She’ll be driving six white horses when she comes 

She’ll be driving six white horses when she comes

She’ll be driving six white horses, she’ll be driving six white horses

She’ll be driving six white horses when she comes.

3: We’ll all go out to meet her when she comes

We’ll all go out to meet her when she comes 

We’ll all go out to meet her, we’ll all go out to meet her

We’ll all go out to meet her when she comes. 

4: She will have to sleep with Grandma when she comes 

She will have to sleep with Grandma when she comes 

She will have to sleep with Grandma, she will have to sleep with Grandma,

She will have to sleep with Grandma when she comes. 

5: We’ll kill the old red rooster when she comes

We will kill the big red rooster when she comes

We’ll kill the big red rooster, we will kill the big red rooster

We’ll kill the big red rooster when she comes.

6: She will bring us to the portals when she comes 

She will bring us to the portals when she comes 

She will bring us to the portals, she will bring us to the portals

She will bring us to the portals when she comes .

7: We will all have chicken and dumplings when she comes. 

We will all have chicken and dumplings when she comes.

We will all have chicken and dumplings, we’ll all have chicken and dumplings.

We will all have chicken and dumplings when she comes. 

What the lyrics mean

1: “She’ll be coming ’round the mountain when she comes”

A bit redundant for shock value no doubt. She’ll be orgasming around the mountain when she orgasms? Get ahold of yourself (not literally).

2: “She’ll be driving six white horses when she comes”

My friend’s older sister had a personal gratification device called “Six white horses”. It took a lot of batteries and sounded like a leaf blower. I think of her fondly for some reason.

3: “We’ll all go out to meet her when she comes”

A group of people, joining together, to watch someone gratuitously ‘happen’? Sick, dirty and tickets are way too over-priced.

4: “She will have to sleep with Grandma when she comes”

This one writes itself.

5: “We’ll kill the old red rooster when she comes”

This is a reference to the post coital masculine reticence. Also acceptable are ‘flogging the dolphin’, ‘burping the worm’ or ‘watching the sneezed weasel wither’. What was once mighty, is now slumbering in the barnyard.

6: “She will bring us to the portals when she comes”

This has one of two meanings. When I was growing up, The Portals was an establishment for adult males to find gratification with the exchanging of funds or wares. With that said, the portals could also just be another word for climaxing. As in, “I’m about to portal” or “I portaled so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye” or “I portaled ’round the mountain”.

7: “We will all have chicken and dumplings when she comes”

As everyone knows, ‘chicken and dumplings‘ is a non-specific form of sexual gratification. I could mean second base. It could mean third. It could mean the ol’ how do you do. It could also mean tongue bathing the Sarlacc. It is such a filthy reference that you should just forget I said anything and wash your eyes.

Conclusion

Your children are in danger! Being taught a safe version of the most fundamental of human interactions is unhealthy and frightening. This song is a perfect example of the subversive lengths that teachers and educators will go to in hopes of manipulating your child in to doing sex. Needless to say, I’ve already called my ombudsman about getting this song banned in not only my city, but my mind.

Where is Kirk Cameron when you need him?

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62 Responses »

  1. Your off your rocker!

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  2. What a twisted load of crap

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Your a complete idiot. You probably ahould have dug a little deeper or a just a perv. naturally!

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  4. This post is dead-on. It is a travesty that it is still sung not only by parents, but also by bards making their rounds on the pub circuit. I am never one to miss a beat and I blushed even the first time I heard this music of the Satan.

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  5. Please tell me this is sarcasm.

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  6. hhhm. He who throws mud only looses ground. We can all be guilty of being a frog in a well!

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  7. You Are So Full Of Sh*t, let me see you Change Sh*t into Something Else…

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  8. A common line sung by kids here in the UK is “She’ll be wearing silk pajamas when she comes”…

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  9. Ya what a weirdo!

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  10. Wow. Talk about stretching it. I’m sure your friend’s older sister’s wonderful device was present in the 1800s in order for them to sing songs extolling its virtues. Good story though, you kinda had me at first.

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  11. Wow, I don’t think the song itself is twisted, but rather the person who sees sexual innuendo in every corner that is twisted. I will give you credit for having a wild imagination though….

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  12. Surely the author is exaggerating to demonstrate how overprotective parents can sometimes be when they are trying to shield their children from the vulgarities of the world. Remember when some where saying the Telly Tubbies were evil?

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  13. Another snowflake offended by something so innocent. I second the mention of the history of this song. It’s history goes back to the late 1800’s and spread in the early 1900’s through the Appalachian range. Some versus were altered and thought to be used to communicate within and for the under ground railroad.
    @UnDad, look for sexual innuendo elsewhere.

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  14. I have been saying this for YEARS

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  15. Deer God you are a retard.

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  16. I remember this song from childhood and I am 80 years old ; NEVER IN MY WILDEST DREAMS OR THOUGHTS DID I EVER THINK THIS WAS AS DIRTY AS YOU SAY I AM SOOOO DISAPPOINTED IN READING THIS I ALWAYS Thought IT WAS A CUTE SONG BUT WHOM EVER HAS CERTAINLY PUT ANOTHER THOUGHT IN MY MIND I AM SO SO SORRY TO FIND THIS OUT IT JUST HURTS MY HEART

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  17. OMG! You are the sickest of people and you and your wife have filthy minds. I feel very sorry for you.

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  18. Please take this page down; you are spoiling our view of the past

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  19. You, sir, are twisted and depraved and I mean that in the most complimentary way! Sadly, I’d guess that some of your less-than-enthusiastic commenters have probably already “done sex” and reproduced.

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  20. This a filthy song if you have have a filthy mind and only if you have a filthy mind.

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  21. What a load of crapola!

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  22. You are so stupid when you come up with shut like that

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  23. I’m sorry, but you’re all just as blind as the passengers on the damn titanic. They didn’t even believe that the boat was sinking and the water was up to their ankles.

    The only reason why I even googled the lyrics to this song is because I KNOW how the world worked during the time that song was written. It was all about sex….rape…I mean theres a similar song out there that talks about raping native american women. This song is Perverted. accept it. deal with it. stop trying to ignore it. all Folk songs have 2 or 3 meanings. Most are related to slavery.

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  24. He, he! What a joy to read!

    But people, It’s a spoof! Get over yourselves.

    Oh, and some of you need to learn to spell! ie, “Your a wanka” PLEASE! “You’re a wanker” Didn’t you go to school?

    Live, Laugh and be happy.

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  25. Me thinks you are reading way too much into this lol.

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  26. Whether you meant this as a “tongue in cheek” satire or stating an honest belief, there is a problem with publishing something like this without identifying which it is. There are people out there that will see this and (copyrights be damned) copy it into an email and send it to ten friends, who will each send it to ten friends, and so on. Somewhere along the line the satire and/or truth will be lost and you have started another worthless argument.

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  27. I pray you’re not serious. Please don’t mock my Savior Jesus. He does love you. However, since you used sarcasm throughout I’m doubting this one is real. Were you mocking all the conspiracy theories perhaps? I normally pay close attention to them but this one is a bit too out there.

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  28. Omg you are a total pervert! You do realize this folk song has many different verses right? The secular version is about the underground railroad! Only someone with a dirty mind could twist this so much! Oh and if your wife is so chaste then I guess you’re not doing your Christian duty to have children. You are sick sick sick and need help!

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  29. “trying to get it banned”? Oh bless. Female sexuality and liberation frightens you?

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  30. FAKE NEWS!!!! IT WAS ACTUALLY ABOUT A TRAIN. DUH!!!

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  31. YOU. Are THE single most STUPID motherfucking ignorant, perv, child molester, cock licking/loving dickhead douchebag this world has EVER heard/seen/had the very unfortunate opportunity to know of. PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE either shoot yourself in the FACE..OR jump into saltwater crocodile infested waters in Australia, OR idk just find ANY/EVERY way POSSIBLE to END YOUR LIFE. THANK. YOU. If I EVER see you near my children..God help you and have mercy on your soul.

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  32. You realize that this song is FAR older than “personal gratification devices” or batteries, right? I seriously doubt six white horses has ANYTHING to do with that… Also just because your town has a random adult bar named “the portal” does not mean that everyone thinks of that reference the same way. And lastly, I have never in my entire life heard the verse saying she’s gonna bring us to a portal anyway. This song is most likely about Mother Jones who traveled through the Appalachian Mountains to promote labor unions for coal miners…I found that on wikipedia just before reading your asinine blog post.

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  33. Sir, you have entirely too much time on your hands. You probably have something else in your hand too. Do you see perversion everywhere? Seriously I suggest you seek the help of a professional psychiatrist. Maybe some electroshock therapy too.

    If you start hearing voices in your head don’t assume someone is in room with you.

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  34. Darling. This is satire.

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  35. KenM would be proud

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  36. I don’t about this persons thinking. I personally have been singing a filthy version for years.I’m unsure that I made up the change ,but the wife gives me hell for singing it my way. If you look at lyrics you can see what i”m talking about . Like changing driving to riding and horses to inches.you’ll get the idea. All you bible thumping trolls out there, don’t waste my time I already know I’m a pervert and proud of it!

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  37. I would guess a lot of the negative comments are tongue in cheek as well. To the people who are genuinely offended, you were warned at the offset the lyrics were filthy! And yet you still had to read it!

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  38. this song is racist

    six white horses = macho white men.

    and they kill an indian man (red rooster)

    LOL ;D

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  39. Teacher draws a square on the blackboard, and asks:
    – Tell me, children, what do you see here?
    Little Charlie answers:
    – I see a window. Through the window I see a bed. On the bed I see two naked guys. And they’re going at it, and going at it, and …
    Embarrassed, the teacher wipes the board and draws a triangle.
    – Now what do you see, little Charlie?
    – Teacher, I see an attic window. Through the window I see a bed. On the bed I see two naked guys. . . .
    Teacher wipes the board again, and draws a circle.
    -Tell me what do you see now!
    – Teacher, I see a porthole. Through the porthole I see a bed . . .
    Very upset, the teacher wipes the board again and draws a straight line.
    – What do you see now?
    – Teacher, I’m not going to answer any more of your questions. You’re a pervert!
    CONCLUSION:
    Beauty (same as dirt) is in the eye of the beholder.

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  40. You revealed the filth that is in your own heart rather than that of the song’s.

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  41. I didn’t know all the lyrics until I was in college looking through some of my friend’s favorite childhood books…that’s when I learned about how the titular She had to sleep with Grandma. Obscene. Thank you for warning others of the dangers of this seemingly innocent ditty!

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  42. You are a a moron. You need a good slap upside the head. I’m scared that you have access to children.

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  43. I know this is satire. But I cannot find any place that says it’s satire other than the comments. Either I missed something, or there should be a disclaimer somewhere.

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  44. BWAHAHAHAHAHA!!! I’m sitting here with my 6 month old daughter trying to find all the lyrics to “She’ll be comin’ round the mountain” when I came across this. I’ll admit at first I thought this might be someone’s actual interpretation until I read about your “chaste wife” that you have children with lol. My favorite bit is your interpretation of the portal verse. “I portaled so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye.” When I read that I laughed so hard I portaled in my pants! Two Thumbs way up!

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  45. Lazy troll. I give it 2/7.

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  46. This is how Trump became president. Idiots

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