Trying to make sense of being a father, husband and a malcontent

“Coming ‘Round the Mountain” is a filthy song

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“Coming ’round the mountain” is a song that has strong childhood implications for me. It brings forth memories of innocence and wonder. I’ve sang it with my child and many other children who are not mine (that I know of) in moments of celebration and merriment.

Only until recently, after a heartfelt conversation I had with my chaste wife, have I realized that this song holds a deeper meaning. A meaning that other parents should definitely take heed of. I don’t mean to cause alarm, but holy fart stars is this song filthy.

(In response to THIS, THIS and THIS).

Preface

The song is a euphemistic dynamo of sexual subversiveness and depravity. Rumour has it that the song supposedly references the second coming of Jesus, but after a little digging and some journalistic gumption, I’ve realized that it’s not about God’s kid at all.  It’s about a woman and her odyssey of ‘doing it’ for personal hedonistic gratification.

The lyrics

1: She’ll be coming ’round the mountain when she comes

She’ll be coming ’round the mountain when she comes

She’ll be coming ’round the mountain, she’ll be coming ’round the mountain

She’ll be coming ’round the mountain when she comes.

2: She’ll be driving six white horses when she comes 

She’ll be driving six white horses when she comes

She’ll be driving six white horses, she’ll be driving six white horses

She’ll be driving six white horses when she comes.

3: We’ll all go out to meet her when she comes

We’ll all go out to meet her when she comes 

We’ll all go out to meet her, we’ll all go out to meet her

We’ll all go out to meet her when she comes. 

4: She will have to sleep with Grandma when she comes 

She will have to sleep with Grandma when she comes 

She will have to sleep with Grandma, she will have to sleep with Grandma,

She will have to sleep with Grandma when she comes. 

5: We’ll kill the old red rooster when she comes

We will kill the big red rooster when she comes

We’ll kill the big red rooster, we will kill the big red rooster

We’ll kill the big red rooster when she comes.

6: She will bring us to the portals when she comes 

She will bring us to the portals when she comes 

She will bring us to the portals, she will bring us to the portals

She will bring us to the portals when she comes .

7: We will all have chicken and dumplings when she comes. 

We will all have chicken and dumplings when she comes.

We will all have chicken and dumplings, we’ll all have chicken and dumplings.

We will all have chicken and dumplings when she comes. 

What the lyrics mean

1: “She’ll be coming ’round the mountain when she comes”

A bit redundant for shock value no doubt. She’ll be orgasming around the mountain when she orgasms? Get ahold of yourself (not literally).

2: “She’ll be driving six white horses when she comes”

My friend’s older sister had a personal gratification device called “Six white horses”. It took a lot of batteries and sounded like a leaf blower. I think of her fondly for some reason.

3: “We’ll all go out to meet her when she comes”

A group of people, joining together, to watch someone gratuitously ‘happen’? Sick, dirty and tickets are way too over-priced.

4: “She will have to sleep with Grandma when she comes”

This one writes itself.

5: “We’ll kill the old red rooster when she comes”

This is a reference to the post coital masculine reticence. Also acceptable are ‘flogging the dolphin’, ‘burping the worm’ or ‘watching the sneezed weasel wither’. What was once mighty, is now slumbering in the barnyard.

6: “She will bring us to the portals when she comes”

This has one of two meanings. When I was growing up, The Portals was an establishment for adult males to find gratification with the exchanging of funds or wares. With that said, the portals could also just be another word for climaxing. As in, “I’m about to portal” or “I portaled so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye” or “I portaled ’round the mountain”.

7: “We will all have chicken and dumplings when she comes”

As everyone knows, ‘chicken and dumplings‘ is a non-specific form of sexual gratification. I could mean second base. It could mean third. It could mean the ol’ how do you do. It could also mean tongue bathing the Sarlacc. It is such a filthy reference that you should just forget I said anything and wash your eyes.

Conclusion

Your children are in danger! Being taught a safe version of the most fundamental of human interactions is unhealthy and frightening. This song is a perfect example of the subversive lengths that teachers and educators will go to in hopes of manipulating your child in to doing sex. Needless to say, I’ve already called my ombudsman about getting this song banned in not only my city, but my mind.

Where is Kirk Cameron when you need him?

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21 Responses »

  1. What a twisted load of crap

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Your a complete idiot. You probably ahould have dug a little deeper or a just a perv. naturally!

    Like

  3. This post is dead-on. It is a travesty that it is still sung not only by parents, but also by bards making their rounds on the pub circuit. I am never one to miss a beat and I blushed even the first time I heard this music of the Satan.

    Like

  4. Please tell me this is sarcasm.

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  5. hhhm. He who throws mud only looses ground. We can all be guilty of being a frog in a well!

    Like

  6. You Are So Full Of Sh*t, let me see you Change Sh*t into Something Else…

    Like

  7. A common line sung by kids here in the UK is “She’ll be wearing silk pajamas when she comes”…

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  8. Ya what a weirdo!

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  9. Wow. Talk about stretching it. I’m sure your friend’s older sister’s wonderful device was present in the 1800s in order for them to sing songs extolling its virtues. Good story though, you kinda had me at first.

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  10. Wow, I don’t think the song itself is twisted, but rather the person who sees sexual innuendo in every corner that is twisted. I will give you credit for having a wild imagination though….

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  11. Surely the author is exaggerating to demonstrate how overprotective parents can sometimes be when they are trying to shield their children from the vulgarities of the world. Remember when some where saying the Telly Tubbies were evil?

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  12. Another snowflake offended by something so innocent. I second the mention of the history of this song. It’s history goes back to the late 1800’s and spread in the early 1900’s through the Appalachian range. Some versus were altered and thought to be used to communicate within and for the under ground railroad.
    @UnDad, look for sexual innuendo elsewhere.

    Like

  13. I have been saying this for YEARS

    Like

  14. Deer God you are a retard.

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  15. I remember this song from childhood and I am 80 years old ; NEVER IN MY WILDEST DREAMS OR THOUGHTS DID I EVER THINK THIS WAS AS DIRTY AS YOU SAY I AM SOOOO DISAPPOINTED IN READING THIS I ALWAYS Thought IT WAS A CUTE SONG BUT WHOM EVER HAS CERTAINLY PUT ANOTHER THOUGHT IN MY MIND I AM SO SO SORRY TO FIND THIS OUT IT JUST HURTS MY HEART

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  16. OMG! You are the sickest of people and you and your wife have filthy minds. I feel very sorry for you.

    Like

  17. Please take this page down; you are spoiling our view of the past

    Like

  18. You, sir, are twisted and depraved and I mean that in the most complimentary way! Sadly, I’d guess that some of your less-than-enthusiastic commenters have probably already “done sex” and reproduced.

    Like

  19. What a load of crapola!

    Like

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