I put the class in wizard class synthetic user interface

You are not a doctor, stop playing one in real life.

IMG_3913

Every new parent does it.

Your child, or children, do something that you can’t explain. So you turn to the Internet to create an unreasonable and panicked diagnosis.

Now, I’m not a doctor. I’m not a scientist. I’ve bragged about being an amateur gynaecologist in the past, but that is a different story for different reasons. One thing I do know is that you should leave the doctoring up to the doctors. You aren’t doing yourself a favour with a late night Google sesh about your child’s incessant drooling and then olympic long jumping to the conclusion that they have fibrodysplasia ossificans progressiva.

With that said, I’m here to help you. Like a poltergeist mechanic, or the invisible and sexy God of household chores, or the random millionaire that decides to pay for your bar tab on the night when you meant to say ‘half pint’ but mistakenly said ’40 Grey Gooses for everyone in the bar’.

Next time you want to google that possible fifth dimensional skin disease your healthily farting baby has, place your ocular inputs on this modern piece of pseudo-serious diagnostic wonderment.

Remember, I’m doing you a favour by making things so weird that your next Google will be a retaliatory porn search. Like it should be. LIKE A HEALTHY PERSON.

Symptom in bold italic: Diagnosis in regular text.

Here we go (again, I am not a fucking doctor)…

Doesn’t respond to his or her name: Probably just asleep.

Cries whenever put in crib: Doesn’t like to be put in crib.

Reaches for phone or iPad whenever you put the device down: Wants to see what is more important than them.

Won’t take a bottle: Haunted baby syndrome.

Doesn’t make eye contact: Will at one point in their lives fight a ghost and lie to the police about it.

Snotty in the morning: You’ll need an old priest and a young priest who can take a beating.

Your child is a hard snorer: In their twenties they will argue the artistic merits of Britney Spears being an artist. They will be very, very lonely.

Constantly uses high pitch screaming as a form or communication: Tis just a magical wind.

Cries a minimum of 40 minutes before a nap: Future murderer. Everyone knows this.

 

 

3 Responses »

  1. Such a heartfelt story and there are people out there like that…what moved me more Trent was that you took the time to write about it making us all aware of your feelings and the relationship with you have with Elizabeth. I applaud you as a father and a man with strong morals…. Kudos to your parents for raising such a fine young man and Elizabeth you are one of the lucky ones to snatch up someone with a sense of humour, yet a very kind and endearing heart. The young lady certainly was kind and her recognition is noted in your thoughts. Merry Christmas to you all.

  2. Something like that happened to me once in Safeway. An older man approached me (I was also wearing my son in a carrier) and complemented me on the baby, and then gave me a twenty. I was thinking he was crazy at this point. I said “I don’t need it,” and he said “it’s for the baby, buy something for the baby,” and it was just so sweet. A total stranger!

  3. Please remember, Not-Doctor theTrentWilkie – that some of these symptoms will continue to manifest in the teen years: Doesn’t respond to his/her name – probably facing a computer screen/smart phones; Won’t take a bottle – this morphs into, won’t eat vegetables; Doesn’t make eye contact – computer screen/smart phone is the only thing that registers in their vision; Snotty in the morning – duh, teenager here; Cries a minimum of 40 minutes before attempting to perform the assigned chore – again with the future murderer, as everyone knows. Have fun now, Not-Doctor theTrentWilkie – for thy time is coming.

Leave a Reply

@TheUnDad

RSS The UnDad Podcast

  • Julie Rohr Part 2
    In no specific order: Julie and I talk about the 'D' word, journalism, connecting to people you can't connect to, understanding, being brought up religious, giving yourself grace, and even though you have cancer you still have to be a parent. This conclusion of the two-parter is a doozie. This episode is powered by ATB […]
  • Julie Rohr Part 1
    If you don't know who Julie Rohr is you are truly missing out. Currently battling a rare form of cancer, Jules is defined by her infectious smile, her love of life, and her all around resplendent radness. Just listen and find out what I mean. Part 2 coming out next week. This episode is powered […]
  • The good Witch of the true North
    I catch up with Lindsey McNeill about what it is like to be adopted as an adult, how her and her mom are writing a book about the experience, and what it is like to be a screenwriter, producer, witch, and tarot card reader (and then she reads my tarot cards). This episode is powered […]
  • I moved back
    In this episode I catch up with Antonio Bavaro (alter drag ego Connie Lingua) and chat about Montreal, excessive nostalgia, family influence, and his newest endeavour that will spotlight the Edmonton queer and trans community. This episode is powered by ATB and sponsored by the Alberta Podcast Network. Thank you to Andrew Paul and the […]
  • Both of those masters are served
    In this episode I interview Dave Bidini about his new book 'Midnight Light' and all things artistic and important. Stay tuned after the credits for a bonus interview. This episode is powered by ATB and sponsored by the Alberta Podcast Network. Thank you to Andrew Paul and the Edmonton Community Foundation for the recording space […]
  • What if people want to bring their own dogs?
    In this episode, I speak with Ainsley Hillyard and Jezebel about sharing the stage, pooping on stage, their sci fi show 'Jezebel, at the Still Point', how to extrapolate your verteron exit vector, and the deep and tangible love that people have for their pets.
  • Know what I mean jelly bean?
    In this one, I talk to myself about the upcoming changes to the UnDad podcast. I talk Metro Shorts, Metro Cinema, Edmonton Comedy Festival, Up Late With Dana Andersen, Dave Bidini, Litfest, Hold the Dark, New Girl, F&M, and these silly things humans call emotions. This episode is powered by ATB and sponsored by the […]
  • It's like nothing else
    Elizabeth Wilkie is not only my mechanic, she is my wife. Join us as we talk about our worries for the future, the past, and the future past. With a special cameo from Little Hell. This episode is powered by ATB and sponsored by the Alberta Podcast Network. Thank you to Andrew Paul and the […]
  • Thus far in review with producer Andrew Paul
    Having Andrew Paul as a producer is like having a wizard/scientist friend that, no matter how under the influence you are, supports your crazy ideas and helps bring them to life. So, yeah, of course I was going to pick his brain. Jesus. This episode is powered by ATB and sponsored by the Alberta Podcast […]
  • Never use it as an excuse
    Mr. Owen Brierley is a delight to talk to. Join us as we chat about what it is like growing up being legally deaf, what a lawnmower parent is, and how everyone should have their own personal version of 'It's All Gone Pete Tong'. This episode is powered by ATB and sponsored by the Alberta […]

Follow The Undad via Email

Enter your email address to follow The Undad and receive notifications of new posts by email.

Join 42 other subscribers

%d bloggers like this: