Every new parent does it.
Your child, or children, do something that you can’t explain. So you turn to the Internet to create an unreasonable and panicked diagnosis.
Now, I’m not a doctor. I’m not a scientist. I’ve bragged about being an amateur gynaecologist in the past, but that is a different story for different reasons. One thing I do know is that you should leave the doctoring up to the doctors. You aren’t doing yourself a favour with a late night Google sesh about your child’s incessant drooling and then olympic long jumping to the conclusion that they have fibrodysplasia ossificans progressiva.
With that said, I’m here to help you. Like a poltergeist mechanic, or the invisible and sexy God of household chores, or the random millionaire that decides to pay for your bar tab on the night when you meant to say ‘half pint’ but mistakenly said ’40 Grey Gooses for everyone in the bar’.
Next time you want to google that possible fifth dimensional skin disease your healthily farting baby has, place your ocular inputs on this modern piece of pseudo-serious diagnostic wonderment.
Remember, I’m doing you a favour by making things so weird that your next Google will be a retaliatory porn search. Like it should be. LIKE A HEALTHY PERSON.
Symptom in bold italic: Diagnosis in regular text.
Here we go (again, I am not a fucking doctor)…
Doesn’t respond to his or her name: Probably just asleep.
Cries whenever put in crib: Doesn’t like to be put in crib.
Reaches for phone or iPad whenever you put the device down: Wants to see what is more important than them.
Won’t take a bottle: Haunted baby syndrome.
Doesn’t make eye contact: Will at one point in their lives fight a ghost and lie to the police about it.
Snotty in the morning: You’ll need an old priest and a young priest who can take a beating.
Your child is a hard snorer: In their twenties they will argue the artistic merits of Britney Spears being an artist. They will be very, very lonely.
Constantly uses high pitch screaming as a form or communication: Tis just a magical wind.
Cries a minimum of 40 minutes before a nap: Future murderer. Everyone knows this.