My Emotions

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Stitched by my love bug, Elizabeth Wilkie.

Note: I haven’t written anything in a while. This will probably answer why. If not, then I am ok with that and you and us and all.

A lot of kiddly things written focus on children’s emotions. How to deal with them, how to embrace them, how to talk about them, etc.

I find dealing with mine and the effect they have on them more challenging.

I’m going through some shit. We all are. But right now, my three and five year old are front row center to the trauma that I’ve finally come to acknowledge. Fun fact: I’ve started healthily (?) dealing with my emotions at the age of 44. I’m 44. Anyway.

My children watch me cry, melt down, become opulent, become broken, build myself back up, apologize, rinse, repeat. Elizabeth and I talk. We converse. We ruminate. The kids sponge.

I’m a bit of a mess. I’m getting on the other side of it (I think), and the kids are along for the ride because they are my family and I love them and I don’t want to hide real feelings from them and my partner agrees. I’ll leave that there and move on.

What Elizabeth and I have figured out is, do not hide from them. They are real, they are big, they are valid. They sometimes consume you. They sometimes tsunami you. It is what you do, when you can, that defines you.

I have trouble sleeping. I cry a lot. I need more hugs and snuggles. I tell people I love them more (only the ones I actually do). I have more anxiety attacks. I deal with them better now. My counselor thinks I use sarcasm as a sword and I think her face is made of farts (unsarcastically). I love my wife more than I ever had yet I am scared that I can’t fully let her know how much because I’m a fucking broken hurt machine that thinks it can pretend it is not.

I tell my kids, subtly, why I’m upset. When they offer me hugs, I scoop ’em large. I try not to yell. I talk to them not at them. I treat my mental health like a broken arm. I’m ok with my broken arm, don’t touch it. YOU TOUCHED IT TOO HARD.

And here I am.

Emotions are real, just like food, or rain, or the flu. If something is in your heart, talk about it freely and honestly. Those who love you will get it. Those who don’t are lucky to hear you talk about it with honesty. Be true to what you are going through, it is the only decent thing you can do. With that said, failure is a test and failing is fine as long as you try to figure out what it all means. If you can’t, ask someone. Also: fuck the haters and those who diminish your feelings. They will someday regret the fact that they decided that emotions are something you can intimidate into healing. Anyway.

I hold my kids longer. I love them muchly. I snuggle them more. I sneak some sleep snuggles from Elizabeth when I can but sometimes it is tough because there are two other awesome humans there that I have to snuggle around. It is tough being the best snuggler, right Elizabeth?

Anyway, hope your holidays didn’t suck. Stay rad you fucking monsters.

Sidenote: I’m off all social media. Elizabeth and my councilor agree that it is not good for me. I can’t fix the world by yelling into the void. Memes are gonna meme. That’s how shit be. Email me or text me. Or don’t. Stay way rad. 

 

The UnDad Podcast 23: It’s like nothing else

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Elizabeth Wilkie is not only my mechanic, she is my wife. Join us as we talk about our worries for the future, the past, and the future past. With a special cameo from Little Hell.

This episode is powered by ATB and sponsored by the Alberta Podcast Network.  Thank you to Andrew Paul and the Edmonton Community Foundation for the recording space and production help. Thanks to Caitlynn Legris for her recording and vocal talents for the new intro intro. Also, many thanks to the super talented Nathaniel Sutton (@defendtherhino) for the use of ‘Fugitive’ as a theme song. Additional danke to Josh Woodward for the background tracks on the ads. And hey, if you like this episode, you could always buy me a coffee.

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The UnDad Podcast EP 21: Never use it as an excuse

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Mr. Owen Brierley is a delight to talk to. Join us as we chat about what it is like growing up being legally deaf, what a lawnmower parent is, and how everyone should have their own personal version of ‘It’s All Gone Pete Tong’.

This episode is powered by ATB and sponsored by the Alberta Podcast Network.  Thank you to Andrew Paul and the Edmonton Community Foundation for the recording space and production help. Thanks to Caitlynn Legris for her recording and vocal talents for the new intro intro. Also, many thanks to the super talented Nathaniel Sutton (@defendtherhino) for the use of ‘Fugitive’ as a theme song. Additional danke to Josh Woodward for the background tracks on the ads. And hey, if you like this episode, you could always buy me a coffee.

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The UnDad Podcast EP 16: I think the Jedi have it all wrong

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There is some rampant nerdery as Darren Pleavin and I talk horror movies, horror feelings, invisible motorcycles, family horror, and some scary stuff that left us holding each other, cerebrally.

This episode is powered by ATB and sponsored by the Alberta Podcast Network.  Thank you to Andrew Paul and the Edmonton Community Foundation for the recording space and production help. Thanks to Caitlynn Legris for her recording and vocal talents for the new intro intro. Also, many thanks to the super talented Nathaniel Sutton (@defendtherhino) for the use of ‘Fugitive’ as a theme song. And hey, if you like this episode, you could always buy me a coffee.

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Buy Me A Coffee

The UnDad Podcast EP13: We’re heroes

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A rousing conversation with Elena Porter where we talk about being an actor and parent, the great Arlington Apartment fire of 2005, murder, and buying a horse.

This episode is powered by ATB and sponsored by the Alberta Podcast Network.  Thank you to Andrew Paul and the Edmonton Community Foundation for the recording space and production help. Also, many thanks to the super talented Nathaniel Sutton (@defendtherhino) for the use of ‘Fugitive’ as a theme song. And hey, if you like this episode, you could always buy me a coffee.

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Four haikus about postpartum

 

First wave:

Misunderstanding.

Our home is now upside down.

What just happened?

Second wave:

What is going on?

Did I wake up somewhere else?

Am I still asleep?

Third wave:

My efforts don’t work.

I don’t think I can take this.

I don’t have a choice.

Fourth wave:

I love my partner.

She is my superhero.

I love my partner.