Winner of – Best Family Blog – from VUE Weekly 2017

Of nature and math

To quote Al Swearingen, “Announcing your plans is a good way to hear God laugh.”

Many months ago, I got some awesome knives. Steak knives. I got them from the House of Knives. House of Knives sent them to me in exchange for an honest review. I was going to cut some steak with these steak knives and write about it. It was going to be fun. I was going to have a party. We would eat steak. I never have steak. It was going to be awesome. The steak knives, the steak, my friends, and a soon to be gout riddled me. Yeah.

I put the knives aside to wait until I had time to assemble my wonderful steak knife testing feast. I thought about the perfect time and occasion. I talked aloud to myself about the fun that would be had. I came up with several Alberta beef oriented jokes. We would look opulently hedonistic. And then…life.

Christmas comes around and we have all our family over to the new house. At dinner that evening I do a double take and see the knives out. They are out of their protective casing and safety rubber tippy things. I pull my wife aside.

“Hon…the knives. WTF?”


“They are too good not to use.”

“But my party thing.”

“I’ll put them back in the sleeves and such. It will be fine.”


“But your face!”


The knives kicked ass. They cut through turkey like angel lasers. Like something made well and you can feel it in them. They were decadent. And, after Christmas, E did as she promised. They were cleaned, contained, and sheathed. Back in their hearty box. Back on the shelf.

But there they sit and mock me. Me and my plans. I have not had any party. I have not had any meat fest. There they sit. Like owning a ghost horse but never taking it to frighten the villagers.

I’m not sure if E has used them since. Maybe she has these lavish parties behind my back. Parties where people come to our home wearing scarves and ascots and they bring fancy pets. The only for her company and the knives.

“Is Trent here?”


“Good, very good. Do you have the knives and meat which to use them on?”


“Is there room at the table for my capybara?”

“Of course.”

“And…Trent is definitely¬†not here?”

“Yes, he isn’t.”

“Winner winner, steak for dinner!”

I think the knives are getting to me. I can almost hear them cutting meat in the cupboard. I can hear laughter as well. Mouth fulls of succulent, well cut laughter. Sometimes I sneak up on the cupboard and listen. Listen so intently I can hear my eyes adjusting to the darkness. Then, I open the box to check on them. To see if they are still there. But there they are. Elegant. Resolute. Splendid.

But no, no I am fine. Hearken! Observe how healthily…how calmly I can tell you the whole story. Come on over, let me show you my House of Knives Stampede steak knives, bring your own meat.

I’m fine.

I’m fine!


Tagged as: , ,

Leave a Reply


RSS The UnDad Podcast

  • Thus far in review with producer Andrew Paul
    Having Andrew Paul as a producer is like having a wizard/scientist friend that, no matter how under the influence you are, supports your crazy ideas and helps bring them to life. So, yeah, of course I was going to pick his brain. Jesus. This episode is powered by ATB and sponsored by the Alberta Podcast […]
  • Never use it as an excuse
    Mr. Owen Brierley is a delight to talk to. Join us as we chat about what it is like growing up being legally deaf, what a lawnmower parent is, and how everyone should have their own personal version of 'It's All Gone Pete Tong'. This episode is powered by ATB and sponsored by the Alberta […]
  • I have a ghost in my head and I call it Garglemax
    I got an implant that connects to a wizard class synthetic user interface. It's like 'Alexa' that only I can hear. It's for science. Everything is fine.
  • Who would win in a fight, Mr. Rogers or Jesus?
    Scott C. Bourgeois and I talk about our respective adoptions, what part of your body you should eat first if you were trapped on an island, all the effing podcasts he is involved with, and the best of kid lit.
  • Jana O'Connor PT 2
    The second of two parts of our Jana O'Connor interview (please listen to the first one if you already haven't). To get to the point: Jana is a jewel in the crown of the Canadian arts scene. She is triple H (not the goddamn wrestler): humble, humorous, and ensconced with humanity. We talk about working […]
  • Jana O'Connor PT 1
    As the Etruscans put it, this one was a doozy. Join me and Jana O'Connor as we cover everything from antiquated idioms to how to butt in line at the dentist (and everything in between). We talked so long that I had to cut it in two. I had to cut it in two because […]
  • I think the Jedi have it all wrong
    There is some rampant nerdery as Darren Pleavin and I talk horror movies, horror feelings, invisible motorcycles, family horror, and some scary stuff that left us holding each other, cerebrally. This episode is powered by ATB and sponsored by the Alberta Podcast Network. Thank you to Andrew Paul and the Edmonton Community Foundation for the […]
  • His Dumbledore is Shit
    Garglemax handles the heavy lifting while I talk shop with Dave Breakenridge, the Managing Editor of the Edmonton Journal, Edmonton Sun, and Edmonton Examiner. Topics covered: Helicopter parents, swearing, ADHD, Harry Potter readings in character, the 10/3 Podcast, columnists as journalists, and where not to get a tattoo.
  • I'm still doing comedy
    Ken Valgardson answers the phone for a content over audio quality interview. We chat comedy, teaching, parenting, and child bowels. It truly is a magical time to be alive. Powered by ATB and the Alberta Podcast Network with help from the Edmonton Community Foundation.
  • We're heroes
    A rousing conversation with Elena Porter where we talk about being an actor and parent, the great Arlington Apartment fire of 2005, murder, and buying a horse. Powered by ATB and sponsored by the Alberta Podcast Network.

Follow The Undad via Email

Enter your email address to follow The Undad and receive notifications of new posts by email.

Join 39 other subscribers

%d bloggers like this: