*Featured image courtesy of Andrea Beca.

If you have a better name for a ‘pillaging of the draft pile’ post then leave it in the comments ya dingus.

Eats and feats

Eating out with kids can be a bit of a challenge.

There is the fighting. The tears. The vomit inducing screams that sound like a dinosaur getting murdered by a ghost. And that is just you and your partner trying to decide which restaurant to go to. See what I did there? You thought I was talking about the kids right? I wasn’t though. I feel like a fucking God warrior right now.

Sid the Seance Kid

Scene 1

Two balloons are talking as they are being blown up.

Balloon 1 (Kevin)

Marjorie, it is ok. This is completely natural.

Baloon 2 (Marjorie)

I don’t know Kevin what if…what if.

All of a sudden Kevin pops. Marjorie’s eyes glow brightly with terror, but right before she can scream, she pops.

Song intro scene. “Hey kids…what do you say…”

It is a horse playing the piano. He keeps screwing up and gets more and more frustrated. They keep having to restart the vocal line. By his fourth try, the horse gets off the piano bench, turns, and kicks the piano through the wall. Then he lights a smoke and begins to cry. Cut to Sid sitting in front of a bunch of tarot cards. Gerald sits beside him trying to figure out a lighter.

Sid

I totally saw all that coming.

Gerald

Looking up from his lighter.

Bullshit.

UnDad: How Don’t

There are a lot of ‘how to’ parenting stories. How to potty train your kid. How to childproof a house. How to prepare your child to usurp the oligarchy.

But here at the UnDad, we don’t just do things the easy way, no sir/mam/rad individual. We do it the hard way.

How don’t 1: Advice.

Don’t take it from me. My skill set is not one that aimed me towards being a parent. I should be doing Youtube tutorials on how to make people comfortable in the waiting room of your frontier bathhouse. That is it. Seriously.

How don’t 2: Nope, that is it. Move along you heathen.