Winner of – Best Family Blog – from VUE Weekly 2017

Baby Swears


Junior giving us a bit of the ‘you have no assblasing idea how hard it was to get here’ look from the fall line.

As adults, we try not to swear in front of our spawn.


With that said, our wonderful offspring aren’t as thoughtful. In fact, they can’t even really speak. So this is a parent’s guide to understanding the capitulating world of baby swears.

The ‘you son of a bitch’:

They are screwing around with some laundry detergent and about to stuff a couple of table spoon fulls into their gaping maw. You sweep in and save them from themselves. That look they give you? That is the ‘you son of a bitch’.

The ‘what is your goddamn problem’:

They got ahold of the pet. Be it by the ears or the tail or the face, whatever, they are having a great time on the Manhandle Ranch (Womanhandle? Personhandle?). Then you hear the growl that says, “I’m going to chew on your neck” and you pull the animal away. That look, the one that usually follows with a couple of frustrated head slams into the floor, that is the ‘what is your godddamn problem’ look.


An example of the ‘you woke me up for this bullshit’. Mr. Zyp feels the pain.

The ‘you woke me up for this bullshit’:

It’s 5:30 am. You have things to do and since you are an idiot, you thought you’d try to get them done early and have the rest of your day free to quietly whimperbate in the shower. Aside from thinking that was a possibility, your other stupid move was waking up your toddler* and trying to dress them in order to get them associated with the program. That look, the one when you are getting while trying to change a diaper super fast because you got things to do…that look you get right before a level seven meltdown…the one equivalent to an infant claymore…that is the ‘you woke me up for this bullshit’ look.

*My little hell sleeps until 10am every morning. I’m sorry if this does not apply to you.

The ‘you have no assblasting idea how hard it was to get here’:


By popular demand.

They’ve pulled themselves up onto a chair and placed their hands on the kitchen table. They look around, surveying the area. They spot a pen. Then they see something to write on and formulate a goal. They slowly throw one leg up on the table. They stop to think. Was this a good idea? Come to think of it, what the crap is a good idea? They plow through this existential blockade to drag their padded asses up onto the table with the endgame in sight. The pen…in hand! The thing to write on…placed within writing distance! And right before they put the quill to the parchment, you sweep in and bugger everything up. That look of betrayal and denial, that is the ‘you have no assblasting idea how hard it was to ge here’.

The ‘fuck it all fuck everything’:

Tantrum. Drug store. You just want to buy some goddamn condoms. Then the…you get it by now.

Leave a Reply


RSS The UnDad Podcast

  • Thus far in review with producer Andrew Paul
    Having Andrew Paul as a producer is like having a wizard/scientist friend that, no matter how under the influence you are, supports your crazy ideas and helps bring them to life. So, yeah, of course I was going to pick his brain. Jesus. This episode is powered by ATB and sponsored by the Alberta Podcast […]
  • Never use it as an excuse
    Mr. Owen Brierley is a delight to talk to. Join us as we chat about what it is like growing up being legally deaf, what a lawnmower parent is, and how everyone should have their own personal version of 'It's All Gone Pete Tong'. This episode is powered by ATB and sponsored by the Alberta […]
  • I have a ghost in my head and I call it Garglemax
    I got an implant that connects to a wizard class synthetic user interface. It's like 'Alexa' that only I can hear. It's for science. Everything is fine.
  • Who would win in a fight, Mr. Rogers or Jesus?
    Scott C. Bourgeois and I talk about our respective adoptions, what part of your body you should eat first if you were trapped on an island, all the effing podcasts he is involved with, and the best of kid lit.
  • Jana O'Connor PT 2
    The second of two parts of our Jana O'Connor interview (please listen to the first one if you already haven't). To get to the point: Jana is a jewel in the crown of the Canadian arts scene. She is triple H (not the goddamn wrestler): humble, humorous, and ensconced with humanity. We talk about working […]
  • Jana O'Connor PT 1
    As the Etruscans put it, this one was a doozy. Join me and Jana O'Connor as we cover everything from antiquated idioms to how to butt in line at the dentist (and everything in between). We talked so long that I had to cut it in two. I had to cut it in two because […]
  • I think the Jedi have it all wrong
    There is some rampant nerdery as Darren Pleavin and I talk horror movies, horror feelings, invisible motorcycles, family horror, and some scary stuff that left us holding each other, cerebrally. This episode is powered by ATB and sponsored by the Alberta Podcast Network. Thank you to Andrew Paul and the Edmonton Community Foundation for the […]
  • His Dumbledore is Shit
    Garglemax handles the heavy lifting while I talk shop with Dave Breakenridge, the Managing Editor of the Edmonton Journal, Edmonton Sun, and Edmonton Examiner. Topics covered: Helicopter parents, swearing, ADHD, Harry Potter readings in character, the 10/3 Podcast, columnists as journalists, and where not to get a tattoo.
  • I'm still doing comedy
    Ken Valgardson answers the phone for a content over audio quality interview. We chat comedy, teaching, parenting, and child bowels. It truly is a magical time to be alive. Powered by ATB and the Alberta Podcast Network with help from the Edmonton Community Foundation.
  • We're heroes
    A rousing conversation with Elena Porter where we talk about being an actor and parent, the great Arlington Apartment fire of 2005, murder, and buying a horse. Powered by ATB and sponsored by the Alberta Podcast Network.

Follow The Undad via Email

Enter your email address to follow The Undad and receive notifications of new posts by email.

Join 39 other subscribers

%d bloggers like this: