This glossary is more for dads who want to sound cool in front of their friends, unlike the original glossary, which is more used to comprehend the nonsensical nature of the Undad.

Blasting a D: To change a diaper.

Blasting a double D: To change a really nasty diaper.

Burning down the D farm: Completely disrobing the little human and putting them in the shower because of extreme diaper related nastiness.

Crunching: That look on your child’s face when they are expelling waste from their bumholes. There is a great look of consternation and concentration.

Horse Whistling: Trying to get your child’s attention to no avail.

I Am Shiva the God of Death: A crying jag that is without end. The world is collapsing. The four horsemen approach.

Crawlpocolypse: You know that one thing that you don’t want your child to touch? That one thing you use a lot and you are constantly taking it away from your child? The crawlpocoplypse is how fast they move toward said object when it is left unattended.

Fog Eyes: The parent’s tired stare.

Fog Mind: When a parent says, “What?” to the simplest question.

Idealhistamine: When you look at your spawn and see the magical future.

Slumberlord: The sleep of a thousand sleeps. The parent’s torpor.

Bragasm: Talking to anyone who will listen about your offspring.

Realitasmagoria: Realizing that parenting has been done a million times before and that there really isn’t anything new happening in your life thus whatever you talk about has been talked about a million times over and will be again.

* A big thank you to Mr. Adam Mitchell for introducing me to Courtney Barnett (see viz below).