Today we incorporated The Judge into our lives. The Judge is our new family vehicle. The Judge brings truth (and Wilkies). But I don’t want to talk about that.
Last week the family worked and volunteered for the International Children’s Festival in St. Albert (E worked, Valdy and I volunteered). It brought me many laffs and also regularly spelled laughs as well. I hung out with the little man strapped to my chest for over 70 kilometers and 50 hours. We met many awesome people. But, again, I don’t want to talk about that.
What I want to talk about is me. Or, the lack thereof. I’ll elaborate:
Captain’s Log Supplemental,
I’m a funny person. I think funny. I talk funny. I interact funny, but…
There are a lot of things about my self that I don’t want to pass on to the hoser. A lot of personality traits that I’m not proud of. A lot of idiosyncrasies I have trouble properly facilitating. As you can see by the wording I’ve chosen, I’m trying to be nice to myself. I’ll put it this way, I don’t want my kid to be the fucking tool that his old man can sometimes be.
I’m working on it. I’ve had some successes. Very many failures.
I’ve spent a lot of time alone in my life. In the woods as both a child and as an adult. I am predominantly self sufficient. I’ve also lived solitarily in cities. At times I’ve cohabited but have never been an easy person to live with. I’d apologize to all my ex-partners and roommates but I’m sure some would rather never talk to me again.
I’m functionally autonomous. Some of my most wonderful living moments have happened to me when I’m alone. Some of my best learning experiences. I’ve seen such beautiful things by myself. I can’t explain them. They are my secret religion. I consider myself lucky.
With that said, I have experienced many glorious joys with others over the past three years on the planet. My wife has taught me so many things about shared existence and has introduced me my full breadth of emotional expression. My son fills me with light. I am making new friends with good people while old ones are still cherished.
Why the fuck and I talking about all this on a daddy blog? Because this is the biggest challenge I’ve ever faced in my life and it has very little of the elements that come natural to me or are to be found in my repertoire.
Everything is out of my control. All I can do is be like the ninja. No force against force. Absorb and redirect.
I must seek spiritual refinement within my cabal.
At the same time, I must deny intonjutsu. I’ve had too much of that.
All I know is that my son is beautiful, healthy, smart and that a most patient, brilliant and beautiful woman named Elizabeth and I are still married to one another.
I need trees right now.
Not for forever.
Just for a little bit.