Winner of VUE Weekly's 2017 and 2018 'Best Family Blog' and 2018 'Best Podcast'

Tuesday and a tale of crack ham

fun1

I wasn’t allowed to buy ham last Tuesday.  Check that: I wasn’t allowed to by a certain type of ham. Double check that: Get on with it Trent you self-aggrandizing thunder mumbler.

I wanted to buy some ham for dinner. It’s a reasonable thing. People have bought ham before. People do it all the time. That is why it is sold in grocery stores. That is why pigs were made with an extra flavour gene. Anyhoo, while trying to purchase ham, the cashier told me I was making a mistake.

No, it wasn’t my home made ‘Punch this face’ t-shirt, nor was it my attempt at home dentistry. Rather, it was that I was buying the wrong ham. You see, it was Tuesday after all, I should buy the better ham. The ham that is cooked and delicious-ized in store at the Abbottsfield Save-on (or Safeway, I always get them confused, isn’t that right Elizabeth? (It’s a Sobeys)).1

Let it be known that I was toting the hoser with me. He was all baby giggles and glory. I think this triggered the cashier’s grandma/mother training because not only did she help the shit out of me, she did so with the holy power of a matriarch army. Only problem, the crack ham wouldn’t be read for an hour. So, I went out and stole a helicopter and invented a new form of edible chainmail (I took some cardboard boxes to the recycle station).

fun2An hour later I’m back and jonesing for some magic pork. I make my way to the meat section, which is right beside the meet section for single grocery shoppers who want to pair up and make it look like they aren’t buying groceries alone (this does not exist), and prepare to purchase my ham. But, as the ladies who work the meat section let me know, the hams won’t be ready for a few more hours as they like to release them closer to dinner. But, BUT, she said, she’ll put one aside, but only, if I bring the smile lord back with me. I said that this would not be a problem as he is actually my twin who is attached to my body (no I did not) and thanked her for her time.

BOOM. Walmart toy section. BOOM. How To Train Your Dragon 2 action figures. BOOM. Talk myself out of impulse buying a whole swack of said action figures. Next thing I know I was wandering around looking at the Iron Man fishing poles and then BEWM, Walmart sell’s machetes (that come with what looks like a throwing knife). Whilst I contemplate the dangers of machetes being sold beside the toy section, I realize it is time to head back to the grocery store. Although the earth child does not agree (he wants the Legos), I can still overpower him as he is only seven months old and we are on our way.

As I get back to the meat section, the wonderful woman of meatville (not her actual name) has brought a friend to say hello to Buddha baby as I pick up my crack ham. Not only were they super kind to put aside some ham-tastic yummers, they were super funny to my kid. They talked to him about their grand daughters who were both five months old and how he should keep them in mind when it came time for marriage.

Jokes aside, it still baffles me how people are affected by smiling babies. It makes me think that babies should be cops, or gods, or hired out to give bad news (Sir, the exorcism of your wife didn’t take, but listen to these crazy fucking giggles!).

Anyway, blessed be those with room in their hearts to show love to strangers and their youthful offspring. Thine kindness shall not go unappreciated. And in celebration of that kindness, I gave both my roll-up-the-rim wins to the drive through lady at Tim Hortons to give free coffees to the two cars behind me. Ronnie Jimmie would be proud.

NEXT WEEK: My wife is taking us to Thailand. And Cambodia. And Ireland. In the most awesomely affordable way possible. Elizabeth Wilkie, your penchant for creative affection is rivalled only by your love of cancer spliffs.

ALSO: If you know of a father who would like to be subjected to my interview type questions and be embraced (digitally) by the UnDad, fire me an email to trent@thetrentwilkie.com. BOOM.

Editor’s Note

1 It is a Safeway.

1 Response »

  1. Okay but what exactly is this ham?? I want to try it!

Leave a Reply

@TheUnDad

RSS The UnDad Podcast

  • Zoloft
    This is a step in the right direction.  This episode is powered by ATB and sponsored by the Alberta Podcast Network. Thank you to Andrew Paul and the Edmonton Community Foundation for the recording space and production help. Thanks to Caitlynn Legris for her recording and vocal talents for the new intro intro. Also, many […]
  • Ghosts Jason Kenney
    Many moons ago, I sent out a weird messenger request to several friends. It was about ghosts. Well, today, the answers of Scott McGovern, Sam Varteniuk, and Angela Seehagen are brought to life...about ghosts! Also, I've added some Jason Kenney poems.  This episode is powered by ATB and sponsored by the Alberta Podcast Network. Thank […]
  • Children's book reviews
    I do a lot of reading to my kids so I thought I'd go over some of my favourites (and least favourites) of out kid lit library. There is a little Sandra Boynton, Dr. Seuss, Moby Dick, Paw Patrol, and Beatrix Potter (with some others mingled in for taste). Main picture is from 'The Three […]
  • Question and Answer
    In this episode I answer questions about dreams, smells, hell, tell a tale about a really good stabber. All those who asked got answered. Take a listen! This episode is powered by ATB and sponsored by the Alberta Podcast Network.  Thank you to Andrew Paul and the Edmonton Community Foundation for the recording space and production help. Thanks to […]
  • Grimpen and Friends
    This was fun! I got to play video games with a moon being (Grimpen) and his friend (Chris Nelson) and I wasn't murdered nor was I consumed for nourishment by a moon being (Grimpen). Come, listen to us play a video game (Red Dead Redemption), or don't! Here is the long description of just what […]
  • MAGApause
    This is a fun little episode I threw together after the family had a fun little nugget of food poisoning. Great times! Thanks to Jana O'Connor, Lou Casemore, and Samara Von Rad for their editorial input on the title bit. This episode is powered by ATB and sponsored by the Alberta Podcast Network. Thank you […]
  • A Centurion
    This was a gas. Thanks to Andred (It's a Conspiracy), Quinn (Learning to Listen), Rylan (History of Punk), Dan (Northern Nerd), and John from Fionn MacCool's (Mayfield) for the awesome. It takes a village in this episode that comes complete with a cautionary drinking game. This episode is powered by ATB and sponsored by the […]
  • The Bryan Baeumler experience
    Bryan Baeumler will be spitting truth at the Edmonton Renovation Show this January 25-27 (@yeghomeshows). In this episode he shares some special insights into why he is how is, how he does what he does, and why chasing eels on the shore of the Sydney River makes a person who they are (@hgtvcanada). For the […]
  • The Jenerator
    I don't know how or why I've been this lucky...but maybe I do. Anyway. Jenny Adams is solid people. Even though she does not understand the existential architecture of the Snuggle Dungeon, she will always be welcomed in it.  This episode is powered by ATB and sponsored by the Alberta Podcast Network. Thank you to […]
  • Best of The UnDad Podcast
    Sorta. I lost some episodes. I collected as most as I could. This is a month in the making. Much love to all and more coming regularly. This episode is powered by ATB and sponsored by the Alberta Podcast Network. Thank you to Andrew Paul and the Edmonton Community Foundation for the recording space and […]

Follow The Undad via Email

Enter your email address to follow The Undad and receive notifications of new posts by email.

Join 42 other subscribers

%d bloggers like this: