Winner of – Best Family Blog – from VUE Weekly 2017

How to take pictures of your goddamn baby



Allright n00bs, this is a step by step tutorial on how to take pictures of your goddamn baby.

1. Get a goddamn baby. Make ’em naturally or adopt. Both types of babies are pretty frigging awesome. None of this immaculate shit. You and I both know…you know.

2. Get your stinky hands on a camera. If you are a good drawer? Forget about the camera. Not a good drawer? Camera. Got it?

3. Make sure the baby knows you are going to take its picture. You don’t want the little weirdo to screw up the shots by crying or puking or whatever. After all, digital photos don’t grow on trees!

4. Some modern baby photo magazines suggest getting the baby a bit drunk before you take its picture. I do not recommend this, nor do I suggest it or condone it! Baby gets all weird. Doesn’t act like itself. Gets way too emotional. You want real baby reactions. Not this silly ‘not acting normal’ baby crap.

5. Put the baby in front of the camera. Or, put the camera in front of the baby.

6. Press the ‘take a frigging picture’ button on the camera. If you don’t know where that button is, call a scientist. They’ll know. They know everything.

Baby think

Baby think

7. Spam that shit. Social media. Email. Fax. Mail condor. Whatever. Get that picture out there.

8. Remind yourself that your baby is the most beautiful baby in the world. There is no other baby like it. You are doing the planet a fucking favour by getting your baby’s picture out there. What, people don’t like your baby’s picture? Well, maybe they’ll like a picture of Hitler. Ignore those people. They are a bunch of anti-baby fascists.

9. Apologize thoroughly for the posting of pictures of Hitler and the fascist remarks. Acknowledge that you went a bit overboard. Call the police and tell them everything is cool and that you have it under control.

10. Put your little picturesque hero to bed. Pour your ass a Manhattan or six. Blast those bastards back. Realize that you have completed a job well done. Don’t use the word hero when referring to yourself, but know that what you have done for the world is an act of heroism. Write a speech…just in case.

* I consistently inundate my friends and family with pictures of my little human. I am guilty of this. I wrote this piece as a form of self exorcism. We’ll see if this exorcism takes. 

4 Responses »

  1. Ha ha ha…LOVE the video at the end, the sound effects, the drool – you can’t make this stuff up! Your baby is the cutest baby ever!! Oh. Except for mine. He he. …..Great article Trent. Written with passion!!!! An article I could have pumped out myself….but I didn’t. I didn’t think of it. D’oh!

  2. HA! I now know how to take proper pictures of baby. Now all I need is baby to take pictures of. Will your next post explain that part? lolz.

  3. Please *never* stop posting pictures of your little human. Ever.

Leave a Reply


RSS The UnDad Podcast

  • Never use it as an excuse
    Mr. Owen Brierley is a delight to talk to. Join us as we chat about what it is like growing up being legally deaf, what a lawnmower parent is, and how everyone should have their own personal version of 'It's All Gone Pete Tong'. This episode is powered by ATB and sponsored by the Alberta […]
  • I have a ghost in my head and I call it Garglemax
    I got an implant that connects to a wizard class synthetic user interface. It's like 'Alexa' that only I can hear. It's for science. Everything is fine.
  • Who would win in a fight, Mr. Rogers or Jesus?
    Scott C. Bourgeois and I talk about our respective adoptions, what part of your body you should eat first if you were trapped on an island, all the effing podcasts he is involved with, and the best of kid lit.
  • Jana O'Connor PT 2
    The second of two parts of our Jana O'Connor interview (please listen to the first one if you already haven't). To get to the point: Jana is a jewel in the crown of the Canadian arts scene. She is triple H (not the goddamn wrestler): humble, humorous, and ensconced with humanity. We talk about working […]
  • Jana O'Connor PT 1
    As the Etruscans put it, this one was a doozy. Join me and Jana O'Connor as we cover everything from antiquated idioms to how to butt in line at the dentist (and everything in between). We talked so long that I had to cut it in two. I had to cut it in two because […]
  • I think the Jedi have it all wrong
    There is some rampant nerdery as Darren Pleavin and I talk horror movies, horror feelings, invisible motorcycles, family horror, and some scary stuff that left us holding each other, cerebrally. This episode is powered by ATB and sponsored by the Alberta Podcast Network. Thank you to Andrew Paul and the Edmonton Community Foundation for the […]
  • His Dumbledore is Shit
    Garglemax handles the heavy lifting while I talk shop with Dave Breakenridge, the Managing Editor of the Edmonton Journal, Edmonton Sun, and Edmonton Examiner. Topics covered: Helicopter parents, swearing, ADHD, Harry Potter readings in character, the 10/3 Podcast, columnists as journalists, and where not to get a tattoo.
  • I'm still doing comedy
    Ken Valgardson answers the phone for a content over audio quality interview. We chat comedy, teaching, parenting, and child bowels. It truly is a magical time to be alive. Powered by ATB and the Alberta Podcast Network with help from the Edmonton Community Foundation.
  • We're heroes
    A rousing conversation with Elena Porter where we talk about being an actor and parent, the great Arlington Apartment fire of 2005, murder, and buying a horse. Powered by ATB and sponsored by the Alberta Podcast Network.
  • Porch Fire
    Laughter, a short Western novella, and Elizabeth does her best to tell the future while translating 'baby'.

Follow The Undad via Email

Enter your email address to follow The Undad and receive notifications of new posts by email.

Join 39 other subscribers

%d bloggers like this: