Allright n00bs, this is a step by step tutorial on how to take pictures of your goddamn baby.
1. Get a goddamn baby. Make ’em naturally or adopt. Both types of babies are pretty frigging awesome. None of this immaculate shit. You and I both know…you know.
2. Get your stinky hands on a camera. If you are a good drawer? Forget about the camera. Not a good drawer? Camera. Got it?
3. Make sure the baby knows you are going to take its picture. You don’t want the little weirdo to screw up the shots by crying or puking or whatever. After all, digital photos don’t grow on trees!
4. Some modern baby photo magazines suggest getting the baby a bit drunk before you take its picture. I do not recommend this, nor do I suggest it or condone it! Baby gets all weird. Doesn’t act like itself. Gets way too emotional. You want real baby reactions. Not this silly ‘not acting normal’ baby crap.
5. Put the baby in front of the camera. Or, put the camera in front of the baby.
6. Press the ‘take a frigging picture’ button on the camera. If you don’t know where that button is, call a scientist. They’ll know. They know everything.
7. Spam that shit. Social media. Email. Fax. Mail condor. Whatever. Get that picture out there.
8. Remind yourself that your baby is the most beautiful baby in the world. There is no other baby like it. You are doing the planet a fucking favour by getting your baby’s picture out there. What, people don’t like your baby’s picture? Well, maybe they’ll like a picture of Hitler. Ignore those people. They are a bunch of anti-baby fascists.
9. Apologize thoroughly for the posting of pictures of Hitler and the fascist remarks. Acknowledge that you went a bit overboard. Call the police and tell them everything is cool and that you have it under control.
10. Put your little picturesque hero to bed. Pour your ass a Manhattan or six. Blast those bastards back. Realize that you have completed a job well done. Don’t use the word hero when referring to yourself, but know that what you have done for the world is an act of heroism. Write a speech…just in case.
* I consistently inundate my friends and family with pictures of my little human. I am guilty of this. I wrote this piece as a form of self exorcism. We’ll see if this exorcism takes.