Winner of VUE Weekly's 2017 and 2018 'Best Family Blog' and 2018 'Best Podcast'

First Santa-ing

Photo courtesy of West Edmonton Mall

Photo courtesy of West Edmonton Mall

We took our little human for his first visit to see Santa at West Edmonton Mall (which I will elaborate more on in a later post). It was fun and a wonderfully hypnagogic experience. But, right now, I want to focus on two things: Presents and presents.

Since the earth child cannot form words yet, I took it upon myself to create a list that he can mail to Santa in hopes that he may procure some gift related wonderment. I think it fair to point out to Santa that my child is too young to have yet done anything bad in his life to this point, thus, all his requests must be paid in full as he is the perfect example of purity and grace.

Here is the letter I have written on behalf of my son, that will be sent to Santa and his representatives forthwith:

Dearest Mr. Claus,

My parental units have informed me that this time of year is when you, in your kindest of manners, do take it upon yourself to set forth into the darkness of night to deliver gifts to all the good little girls, boys and transgendered peoples.

Although I am clearly too young to write this, my father has taken it upon himself to procure my wishes. He is currently studying my mannerisms and transcribing them to page as he has my best interests at heart and is a handsome man. With that said, he is known to be borderline telepathic and very pleasant to the eyes. But, I digress from my most sincere topic: My presents.

I would like something fluffy. It can be anything. I like to smash stuffy things into my face. Aside from giving my mother smothering nightmares, there are many positives to this. I enjoy the fluffy feelings on my face skin. My fingers come alive at the manic gripping and un-gripping of the fluffy. Touching and feeling fluffy brings me great joy.

Also, as many lights as you can obtain. I like lights. When I look into lights, it is like I’m looking into the mind of God. I am transfixed by its opulent majesty. I cannot look away from light. Please, bring me much light.

More farts. Have you ever farted Santa? Pretty fucking awesome, I do agree.

Some form of magical beast that will get me whatever I want and, when I’m old enough, I will be able to ride: into battle.

Finally, my father needs payment. He requests three swords. Each should be no longer than an arms length. Two of which he will carry on his person at all times. One that will be in the shop for cleaning because of sword related uses and adornments (rubies, sharpening, magical inscriptions). REMEMBER: Father is not the sort who needs a long sword. A long sword is pretentious. My father is without pretence. WITHOUT!

Thanks again Santa. I cannot wait. Seriously, I don’t have the capacity to wait for things. Can you feel my screams?

Yours,

(Name redacted)

1 Response »

  1. hahaha … You had me laughing out loud.

Leave a Reply

@TheUnDad

RSS The UnDad Podcast

  • Zoloft
    This is a step in the right direction.  This episode is powered by ATB and sponsored by the Alberta Podcast Network. Thank you to Andrew Paul and the Edmonton Community Foundation for the recording space and production help. Thanks to Caitlynn Legris for her recording and vocal talents for the new intro intro. Also, many […]
  • Ghosts Jason Kenney
    Many moons ago, I sent out a weird messenger request to several friends. It was about ghosts. Well, today, the answers of Scott McGovern, Sam Varteniuk, and Angela Seehagen are brought to life...about ghosts! Also, I've added some Jason Kenney poems.  This episode is powered by ATB and sponsored by the Alberta Podcast Network. Thank […]
  • Children's book reviews
    I do a lot of reading to my kids so I thought I'd go over some of my favourites (and least favourites) of out kid lit library. There is a little Sandra Boynton, Dr. Seuss, Moby Dick, Paw Patrol, and Beatrix Potter (with some others mingled in for taste). Main picture is from 'The Three […]
  • Question and Answer
    In this episode I answer questions about dreams, smells, hell, tell a tale about a really good stabber. All those who asked got answered. Take a listen! This episode is powered by ATB and sponsored by the Alberta Podcast Network.  Thank you to Andrew Paul and the Edmonton Community Foundation for the recording space and production help. Thanks to […]
  • Grimpen and Friends
    This was fun! I got to play video games with a moon being (Grimpen) and his friend (Chris Nelson) and I wasn't murdered nor was I consumed for nourishment by a moon being (Grimpen). Come, listen to us play a video game (Red Dead Redemption), or don't! Here is the long description of just what […]
  • MAGApause
    This is a fun little episode I threw together after the family had a fun little nugget of food poisoning. Great times! Thanks to Jana O'Connor, Lou Casemore, and Samara Von Rad for their editorial input on the title bit. This episode is powered by ATB and sponsored by the Alberta Podcast Network. Thank you […]
  • A Centurion
    This was a gas. Thanks to Andred (It's a Conspiracy), Quinn (Learning to Listen), Rylan (History of Punk), Dan (Northern Nerd), and John from Fionn MacCool's (Mayfield) for the awesome. It takes a village in this episode that comes complete with a cautionary drinking game. This episode is powered by ATB and sponsored by the […]
  • The Bryan Baeumler experience
    Bryan Baeumler will be spitting truth at the Edmonton Renovation Show this January 25-27 (@yeghomeshows). In this episode he shares some special insights into why he is how is, how he does what he does, and why chasing eels on the shore of the Sydney River makes a person who they are (@hgtvcanada). For the […]
  • The Jenerator
    I don't know how or why I've been this lucky...but maybe I do. Anyway. Jenny Adams is solid people. Even though she does not understand the existential architecture of the Snuggle Dungeon, she will always be welcomed in it.  This episode is powered by ATB and sponsored by the Alberta Podcast Network. Thank you to […]
  • Best of The UnDad Podcast
    Sorta. I lost some episodes. I collected as most as I could. This is a month in the making. Much love to all and more coming regularly. This episode is powered by ATB and sponsored by the Alberta Podcast Network. Thank you to Andrew Paul and the Edmonton Community Foundation for the recording space and […]

Follow The Undad via Email

Enter your email address to follow The Undad and receive notifications of new posts by email.

Join 42 other subscribers

%d bloggers like this: