If you ever want to feel like a celebrity, strap a baby to your chest and walk through a mall.

The hoser and I went for a walk through Londonderry today because it is close, warm and (I’ve been assured) scorpion free. Then something weird occurred.

Seconds within stepping through the front door of the mall we transformed into a gravity well for grannies. Why were there so many grannies there? Here are my theories: There was some sort of senior shopping event going on, or, there was an explosion at the granny mill and the mall was used as an emergency muster point and granny collection area.

Either way, when we entered I felt like a svelte starlet turning the corner into a murder of paparazzi (20 paparazzi is a murder no?). They all turned, took one look at the baby, and advanced very slowly but very surely.

We were politely assaulted by an onslaught of “Look at how cute he is” and “Look at the baby” and “I want to eat his soul (not really)”. At one point I almost had to say, “Please stop touching my baby.” I didn’t have to though. We were way quicker than them.

In all honesty, it’s pretty cool. The way people just take one look at a newborn in a hand knit pilot’s cap and go all mush. Like they can’t help but smile at him. Like there is a dormant happy gene that gets triggered when the host comes within the proximity of a baby.

Another example of my gene theory: We were walking by a booth when we came upon an argument between a security guard and a very agitated gentleman who was yelling, “I mean look at him, he looks like a nice guy, but no way man. He is not a nice guy, not a nice guy at all!”. I’m not sure who he was referring to, but as we got within three meters, baby magic. They both turned to look at us. The security guard with an embarrassed smile on his face, while the yelling man had the look of someone who just seen a sexy ghost.

The uncanny thing is that the hoser just smiles right back, revelling in his infant opulence like the child monarch of this his goo-goo fiefdom.

I get a kick out of it too. I helped make this pretty little devil. I finally did something nice for the world.