Trying to make sense of being a father, husband and a malcontent

The grossest (awesomest) things my child has done (so far)

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The title of this post says it all. What it doesn’t say is that it will be updated whenever a new level of gross has been met. NOTE: I don’t really consider all these things gross, just naturally hilarious, like watching a horse poop while it runs.

– He has sneezed in my mouth.

– He has sneezed up my nose, on a plane, and we both had a laughing fit after it.

– He laugh-vomits sometimes. It is pretty awesome.

– Speaking of planes and vomit, he vomited in Elizabeth’s hair on our recent return trip from Onterrible. I tried to clean it out, but I was laughing so hard that all I could do was smear it around.

– He has peed in his own eyes. It makes him angry.

– Our son hasn’t had a ye ole bowel movement in a week which is normal for breastfed babies, but, this makes his farts smell like those of a drunken elderly man who frequents a frontier bathhouse to drink the tub water.

– He looks me in the eyes sometimes when he pees. I think he got this from the dog.

– He tries to put the dog in his mouth. Actually, he gloms everything now a days. Like a starving vampire in a neck factory.

I’m sure I’ve missed something. If any of you other moms and dads have stories, please share in the comments.

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9 Responses »

  1. Our son pooped on me and the dog after a bath.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. My daughter was only a couple wks old and I was changing her diaper after a bomb, got her all cleaned up and a fresh diaper ready and… she started to squirt out streams of -breast fed yellow- poop! I was horrified! Laughed about it afterwards, but I always made sure she was done before going through the effort of changing her. She’s now 4 (no diapers for a long time now). I plan on telling that story on her 16th birthday 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Both my children have had ‘pants explosions’ so badly that shit was up to the backs of their necks and I threw their clothes in the garbage instead of trying to launder them. My son chose to have this phenomenon at the border crossing into Montana. We drove him across in nothing but a diaper in February.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Elizabeth and I have discussed the presence of artisanal cheese in said child’s neck, usually a mixture of vomit and milk. That’s pretty gross and pretty awesome!

    Like

  5. Lucy would frequently pee while I was changing her. This would result in me “eeek!-ing” which would scare her, causing her to cry and pee more … and sometimes poop. Actually, she pooped a lot when I was in mid-change.

    Liked by 1 person

  6. We were late to my brother’s wedding because our 4 day old blew through her diaper and clothes twice, starting when we were ready to walk out the door. It was bad enough see needed bathing. Only immediate family was invited and my husband was a witness. They had to start without us and we arrived just in time for the married couple to be presented and to sign the register.

    Liked by 1 person

  7. Maddy firehose pooped on me the day we left the NICU. I mistakenly changed her with her butt facing me and my shirt was so shit-stained and I didn’t have a change of clothes. It was projectile poop and honestly, kind of impressive now that I look back on it. If only she could learn to aim she’d be a force to be reckoned with.

    Liked by 1 person

  8. One of my son’s puked all over his crib and just slept in it. Thrice. There was no crying – not a peep. Each time I (once it was my Aunt who was babysitting) went in to check on him, gently touched his back, and wha?!? No idea how long he was rolling around in the hot sick. Probably felt really good to get it out of his system, and then it was all warm: He snuggled right into it. Of course, then I had to wake him up, bathe him, and change everything. So ya, he’s a pretty good sleeper. Still is 5 years later. Luckily, there is a lot less puke now.

    Liked by 1 person

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