I put the class in wizard class synthetic user interface

The grossest (awesomest) things my child has done (so far)

10178005_10152494505951429_464683753542890643_n

The title of this post says it all. What it doesn’t say is that it will be updated whenever a new level of gross has been met. NOTE: I don’t really consider all these things gross, just naturally hilarious, like watching a horse poop while it runs.

– He has sneezed in my mouth.

– He has sneezed up my nose, on a plane, and we both had a laughing fit after it.

– He laugh-vomits sometimes. It is pretty awesome.

– Speaking of planes and vomit, he vomited in Elizabeth’s hair on our recent return trip from Onterrible. I tried to clean it out, but I was laughing so hard that all I could do was smear it around.

– He has peed in his own eyes. It makes him angry.

– Our son hasn’t had a ye ole bowel movement in a week which is normal for breastfed babies, but, this makes his farts smell like those of a drunken elderly man who frequents a frontier bathhouse to drink the tub water.

– He looks me in the eyes sometimes when he pees. I think he got this from the dog.

– He tries to put the dog in his mouth. Actually, he gloms everything now a days. Like a starving vampire in a neck factory.

I’m sure I’ve missed something. If any of you other moms and dads have stories, please share in the comments.

9 Responses »

  1. Our son pooped on me and the dog after a bath.

  2. My daughter was only a couple wks old and I was changing her diaper after a bomb, got her all cleaned up and a fresh diaper ready and… she started to squirt out streams of -breast fed yellow- poop! I was horrified! Laughed about it afterwards, but I always made sure she was done before going through the effort of changing her. She’s now 4 (no diapers for a long time now). I plan on telling that story on her 16th birthday 🙂

  3. Both my children have had ‘pants explosions’ so badly that shit was up to the backs of their necks and I threw their clothes in the garbage instead of trying to launder them. My son chose to have this phenomenon at the border crossing into Montana. We drove him across in nothing but a diaper in February.

  4. Elizabeth and I have discussed the presence of artisanal cheese in said child’s neck, usually a mixture of vomit and milk. That’s pretty gross and pretty awesome!

  5. Lucy would frequently pee while I was changing her. This would result in me “eeek!-ing” which would scare her, causing her to cry and pee more … and sometimes poop. Actually, she pooped a lot when I was in mid-change.

  6. We were late to my brother’s wedding because our 4 day old blew through her diaper and clothes twice, starting when we were ready to walk out the door. It was bad enough see needed bathing. Only immediate family was invited and my husband was a witness. They had to start without us and we arrived just in time for the married couple to be presented and to sign the register.

  7. Maddy firehose pooped on me the day we left the NICU. I mistakenly changed her with her butt facing me and my shirt was so shit-stained and I didn’t have a change of clothes. It was projectile poop and honestly, kind of impressive now that I look back on it. If only she could learn to aim she’d be a force to be reckoned with.

  8. One of my son’s puked all over his crib and just slept in it. Thrice. There was no crying – not a peep. Each time I (once it was my Aunt who was babysitting) went in to check on him, gently touched his back, and wha?!? No idea how long he was rolling around in the hot sick. Probably felt really good to get it out of his system, and then it was all warm: He snuggled right into it. Of course, then I had to wake him up, bathe him, and change everything. So ya, he’s a pretty good sleeper. Still is 5 years later. Luckily, there is a lot less puke now.

Leave a Reply

@TheUnDad

RSS The UnDad Podcast

  • Best of The UnDad Podcast
    Sorta. I lost some episodes. I collected as most as I could. This is a month in the making. Much love to all and more coming regularly. This episode is powered by ATB and sponsored by the Alberta Podcast Network. Thank you to Andrew Paul and the Edmonton Community Foundation for the recording space and […]
  • Santa is the best
    In this edition, I read a short Christmas story I wrote last year for Apocalypse Kow's awesome annual Christmas show. Also, I recorded a performance of myself during Booty Goose's 'Weird Al Karaoke', where one takes a popular song and changes the lyrics. I wrote a filthy version of 'Its Beginning to Look a Lot […]
  • Don't mess with Noreen
    In this episode I talk with Nicola Doherty of the Alberta Mamas (albertamamas.com) about the East Coast, spoon collections, child-sized weaponry, and tattooing dolphins. I'm not kidding. This episode is powered by ATB and sponsored by the Alberta Podcast Network. Thank you to Andrew Paul and the Edmonton Community Foundation for the recording space and […]
  • Did they make the right choice?
    In this episode I chat with former NHLer and current radio host Jason Strudwick. We cover topics ranging from adoption, hockey, parenthood, poetry, and a hypothetical room full of cocaine. This episode is powered by ATB and sponsored by the Alberta Podcast Network. Thank you to Andrew Paul and the Edmonton Community Foundation for the […]
  • The Questioneer
    In this episode, Trent answers the many, many questions that his rabid fanbase* sent in to him. Some of them are funny, some sincere, and some are about corn nuts. This episode is powered by ATB and sponsored by the Alberta Podcast Network. Thank you to Andrew Paul and the Edmonton Community Foundation for the […]
  • No biting
    This bad boy goes off the rails in all the best ways possible. I chat with the hilariously enabling Christine Bruckmann about the new Alberta Museum, legalized marijuana, how much I hate lentils, being a crazy parent, and dealing with hate when blogging. This episode is powered by ATB and sponsored by the Alberta Podcast […]
  • Julie Rohr Part 2
    In no specific order: Julie and I talk about the 'D' word, journalism, connecting to people you can't connect to, understanding, being brought up religious, giving yourself grace, and even though you have cancer you still have to be a parent. This conclusion of the two-parter is a doozie. This episode is powered by ATB […]
  • Julie Rohr Part 1
    If you don't know who Julie Rohr is you are truly missing out. Currently battling a rare form of cancer, Jules is defined by her infectious smile, her love of life, and her all around resplendent radness. Just listen and find out what I mean. Part 2 coming out next week. This episode is powered […]
  • The good Witch of the true North
    I catch up with Lindsey McNeill about what it is like to be adopted as an adult, how her and her mom are writing a book about the experience, and what it is like to be a screenwriter, producer, witch, and tarot card reader (and then she reads my tarot cards). This episode is powered […]
  • I moved back
    In this episode I catch up with Antonio Bavaro (alter drag ego Connie Lingua) and chat about Montreal, excessive nostalgia, family influence, and his newest endeavour that will spotlight the Edmonton queer and trans community. This episode is powered by ATB and sponsored by the Alberta Podcast Network. Thank you to Andrew Paul and the […]

Follow The Undad via Email

Enter your email address to follow The Undad and receive notifications of new posts by email.

Join 42 other subscribers

%d bloggers like this: